Health Sci student picks up The Procrastinator: peers concerned for their GPA

The Bachelor of Health Sciences’ newest student publication, The Procrastinator (h=0.01), has sparked pandemonium among its audience. The newspaper – intended to provide a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of elusive, ambitious BHScs – has been received with concern. Many are worried that The Procrastinator will deter fellow students from being efficient, hindering their maintenance of near-perfect grades and effectively ruining their lives forever.

“It’s called The Procrastinator, for crying out loud,” said one Health Sci student. “How dare it promote this heinous, barbaric act, which has caused the downfall of so many of our brothers and sisters? It’s a literal waste of time, taking away hours that could be spent studying at HSL, or volunteering at a hospital, or attending one of fifty club meetings that we don’t really care about would look great on our résumés…” There has already been one confirmed sighting of a student reading The Procrastinator. It has been rumoured that said student has been in the anatomy lab for the entire reading week, making him unaware of the controversy at hand.

“My friend was the one who picked up The Procrastinator,” admitted one Health Sci student, who requested to remain anonymous in fear of repercussions. . “I’m concerned that he will be ostracized from the cohort, losing the chance to run in the Bachelor of Health Sciences Society (BHSS) elections, and suffering from poor group evals for the rest of the year. 

Other students have also voiced concerns:

“Is this publication even peer-reviewed?!?”

“Wait…you mean The Procrastinator isn’t research- or healthcare-related? What’s the point of writing words that aren’t related to science? People do that?”

“The P-word is contagious, so don’t even think about involving yourself with people who partake in such a lowly practice. Utter that unspeakable word even once, and — well, nobody knows what happens… but it probably won’t be good!”

The BHSS, which sponsors the publication, has also been embroiled in the uproar. In response, a new BHSS Discussion Panel has been announced this week, entitled : “Avoiding procrastination and The Procrastinator: maintain your GPA at any cost or life as you know it will end.” 

The article was originally published in Issue 1 (February 2017) of The Procrastinator.

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