Singleus lacrimosus (SL) is a devastating reproductive system disease endemic to BHSc students between the ages of 17-22. The DSM-V diagnostic criteria for SL include a clinically significant state of disarray, lonely rom-com movie nights, and griping to friends about relationships at a frequency of ≥3 episodes per week. While scientists remain divided on the molecular mechanisms behind SL, it has thus far been positively correlated with cortical expression of Massive Endogenous Ego Peptide 2 (MEEP2), and Résumé Farming Associated Cluster Kinase (RFACK). The efficacy of the matchmaking software LearnLink in rescuing SL symptoms was studied by first years via a quadruple-blind RCT design. Over a 3-hour “Inquiry” period, participants in the control group (n=2) attempted to ask out students from other faculties either in person. Participants in the experimental group (n=4) were given LearnLink accounts, and tasked with “sliding into someone’s DMs.” While the control group was completely unsuccessful, the experimental group exhibited one success (p=0.9). These findings credibly indicate that LearnLink, used as a matchmaking tool, may be more effective at treating SL (p<0.0001) compared to surgical alternatives such as Tinder, Spotted At Mac, and Viagra.
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The Procrastinator 