There has been an alarming rise of witchcraft on our very own McMaster campus as finals approach. Dark pacts are being made between struggling students and Mephistopheles himself for GPA boosts, additional MSAFs, successful med interviews, and the chance to get cuffed. Mass moral panic has erupted amongst McMaster students, leading to a barrage of accusations of sorcery. Screams of “I saw Goody Proctor with the Devil!”, and “Burn the Witch!” have become commonplace, along with rather crude Harry Potter graffiti in bathroom stalls. With accusations (and students) flying, Facebook event pages are being organized for witch-hunts. The PSA (Puritan Student’s Association) has risen above the noise to combat the mass hysteria with the publication of the Official Witch Diagnostic Checklist (the current gold standard diagnosis, sensitivity of 0.66 and specificity of 0.34). Should you have reason to believe a loved one has made an unlawful covenant with the devil, the PSA recommends the completion of the OWDC before pressing serious charges of sorcery. Checklist items include greenish appearance of the skin, the presence of >4 warts on the nose and/or face, the ability to float in water with limbs immobilized, a positive broomstick flying test, the ability to sing Defying Gravity, and a weight of less than one (1) duck. For a positive diagnosis of a Satanic connection, potential candidates must meet at least 4/6 of the criteria. The Procrastinator hopes that readers may use the OWD Checklist on the suspected and accused prior to picking up their pitchforks and rakes and joining witch hunts in the future.
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The Procrastinator 