The Procrastinator’s team of reporters have noticed a chain of mysterious closures and openings at McMaster University. The university’s 7th president, Datrick Peane, announced his sudden departure from being a marauding (Mc)Master to being a skinny Queen. When asked to give a reason for his departure, he allegedly claimed that, “McMaster ruined his flourishing business.” With no further clues, we turned to Russy D’Boi to perform a qualitative retrospective case control cohort PICO study of the recent business changes at McMaster. His 3H06 student secretly sent us the following excel sheet, given that we make him first author of the following article.
To fully explore the list above, the Procrastinator sent out its two best investigative teams — the sinners and the BHSc Baddie Tabloid (BBT) — who have sent back the following reports.
SINNERS
CONFESS: After obtaining secret access to the McMaster Confessions anonymous form, we found the following strange submission. “This will be the last confession I ever submit. I’ve been forced to shut down Edens because $10 for poached eggs is apparently too expensive whereas spending $12 daily for two bubble tea drinks is a personality trait. I will be taking Edens and this confession page to Queens as the predominantly caucasian demographic will finally value my poached eggs there.”
BHSc Baddie Tabloid
SPILL THE BBTEA: Our team of lactose intolerant reporters held a meeting with the newly opened Korean faculty at student centre (only agreed to meet if held at Chatime). The faculty dean, Korya Bu, said that with a certain person out of the picture, not only could she open the faculty, but she could finally bring her several BBT franchises to McMaster. She then began to talk about her Behind The Scenes (BTS) husband Jungle Book, who we believe may be a suspect in this case. Further investigations are needed.
Synthesizing these two reports, we hypothesize that Datrick Peane, the owner of Edens and McMaster Confessions, was pushed out to make room for McMaster’s new love, bubble tea. Although students continue to mourn their loss, they’ve embraced this new milky wave; one BHSc student exclaimed, “My Doctors Sans Borders club is excited to hold our new Bubble Tea Sans Lactose fundraiser! Please come out and spend $2 more for what you can already buy in student centre.”
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The Procrastinator 