When the Algonquin Park canoe trip was axed earlier this term, The Procrastinator immediately sent an investigative team to examine the mysterious circumstances surrounding the cancellation. The team was horrified to discover that the trip had actually been coordinated by the BHSc Office from the start as an attempt to reduce program size and weed out students after they began admitting too many in 2017.
Since letting students flunk out would ruin BHSc’s reputation as the program with the most grade-curving interventions from the Dean in Ontario—and the program most despised by the McMaster Anatomy Department—the office conceived of an alternate method for Natural BHSelection when they noticed that most of the program consisted of “varsity fencers” and very few competent athletes. The office’s plan was to send students to Algonquin and then let survival of the fittest run its course, with weed-related drownings, wolf attacks, paddle fights, atropine poisoning, and human sacrifices to the OMSAS gods sure to off at least 10% of all cohorts (p<0.05). “It will work, not because camping or canoing are hard,” wrote one senior faculty member in a leaked email, “but because Healthscis are really [redacted] stupid.”
Internally billed as a “second round of supplementary applications,” this ploy was only stopped when one of the “student planners” fronting this scheme threatened to blow the whistle. “No, I didn’t initially agree to this just because I thought it would bring down the competition for med,” the student responded when asked the obvious question. “I just wanted the [redacted] anatomy lab to stop using 3D images and they told me this would get us more specimens…”
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The Procrastinator 