Fellow pre-meds, it’s that time of year again; cuffing szn has arrived! All you want right now is someone to keep you warm in those cold, dark, quiet study areas. The “Chad” to your chadaver studies, the pipe to your pipetté. But alas, like students with an exam scheduled at Martyrs, you’re horribly lost and confused. Well, worry no longer because the ProcrasTEENator is here with a guide for the TOP 5 PLACES on campus to find that special BHSexy friend.
1. DBAC: Now when we say DBAC, the Pulse is not the primary objective. The testosterone and body fluids of the Pulse create a suboptimal environment for hubby hunting. The real target is Booster Juice. Research has shown that exercise has a high correlation with feeling tired (r = 0.8) which, through a separate mediating pathway (p<0.005), correlates with being more agreeable. When those yummy mummies head over to Booster Juice, glistening with sweat and pheromones to fuel their weary muscles, the last thing they’re going to be ready for is you to shoot your shot.
2. Starbucks Line: It’s a scientific fact that sexual tension is the precursor of romance. Anxiety is just plain sexy, and we can’t think of a place that has more nervous energy than the MUSC Starbucks line. The worries of missing your classes, the heat of your parka, and the caffeine withdrawals are enough to make anyone want to just say “yes” to your advances. It’s just like that one middle school dance, only with ten times more optimal conditions and ten times less pee in your pants after touching a girl for the first time ever.
3. Campus Bookstore: Picture this: You see this hot young thing pick up a physics textbook. They must be an intellectual, and smart is sexy. Wait, the textbook costs $300 dollars! Wow they must be fairly wealthy then. Hold up, they’re ALSO buying a campus sweater? So we’re not just talking money, this person has guap. You’ve been searching for brain and bank account your whole life, and finally they’re right in front of you.
4. Student Opportunity Facebook Group: If there’s ever been a breeding ground for the most vile, ruthless, depraved, not to mention sexy individuals on the internet, it’s the McMaster student opportunity boards. Just type: “seeking research volunteer”, and you’ll have every suitor on campus knocking at your door. You’re welcome!
5. The Woods: People love walking by the woods at night to see the McMaster deer.
Everyone fawns over them, so to capitalize on this market, you must become the deer. With only a small purchase of ~$69, you can create the perfect ensemble to trap those late night snap-chatters. By perching in the woods and tricking people into thinking you’re their 4-legged friend, you can wait for the perfect moment to flirtatiously ambush that future boo (results may vary).
Spiciness Rating:
The Procrastinator 