Welcome to Dear Dendrites! With Valentine’s Day looming over us like the weight of expectations your S.O.’s expectations, we asked you to submit your BHSexiest questions. If you’re interested in having your most pressing concerns addressed, you can submit inquiries via Facebook or our website and we may answer them in our next issue!
Dear Dendrites,
My boyfriend used me to write his CASPer, then dumped right after he got an interview! What do I do?
— Ghosted
Dear Ghosted,
Carefully consider both perspectives, avoid making assumptions, and use if/then statements to explore your options. Personally, I would play the long con and wait until he becomes a doctor to report him to the OMA and have his license revoked. He left you broken-hearted? Leave him with a disgraced reputation and thousands in student debt!
Dear Dendrites,
The boy I have a crush on won “most likely to eat ass” at health sci formal … I’ve never tried it, but do you think it’ll help my chances?
— Maya Nusnext
Dear Maya,
We are all but hollow tubes of flesh and bone. The connection of his opening to your closing is almost poetic, a metaphor for the cyclic nature of life and death. In this moment, your holes and spirits become one.
Dear Dendrites,
It is my deepest desire to have sex in the most forbidden of locations on campus: HSC 1A1. Every time I enter those doors I am filled with lust for the sensation of those scratchy seats against the arch of my bare back. I fantasize about it being podcasted. I single-handedly crash the website as the entire cohort opens Echo360 for the first time. I guess my question is, what’s the last class of the day on Thursdays?
— Margie
Dear Margie,
I believe cell bio ends at 5:30!
To submit a question (we’re 100% serious!), go to bhscprocrastinator.com/advicecolumn
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