O Muse, I invoke thee. Sing of the story of the swift-footed blue hog. Descend from the cloudshrouded tops of mighty Olympus, and provide aid on my quest to tell this tale of woe, this tragic song of love and loss.
There was a hog, and in hedges he did reside, at times when he was not fighting against the evils of our world. He was as swift as a mare and ran with such grace, one thought the zephyrs did propel him forth. The ill-fated day I met such a creature was at a banquet in my father’s house, a feast was prepared to celebrate Veneralia, festival of holy Venus. On that day I did see with mine virgin eyes, wide and innocent, the figure of such a hedgehog. I was most intrigued by his colouring, such soft azure fur, and his lightness of foot when he ran past me. His striking countenance caused me to turn to my dear nocturnal friend, Rouge, and she obliged me in divulging information about this most handsome character. He was Sonic the Hedgehog, son of Jules, she did tell me. From the long and ancient line of Sir Charles Hedgehog, the renowned master of the physical sciences. Sensing my curiosity, my dearest companion did call forth to her acquaintance, and had us formally introduced.
Oh how did I not know the troubles this sweet creature would bring to mine heart? Cruel Venus on that day, wishing me to suffer for her craft, sent wing’d Desire on a mission down to earth. At the very moment I caught the deep blue gaze of that beautiful son of Jules, Desire did strike my heart with his arrow. Such a mortal wound of Love I did suffer. What burning, what pain mother Venus did thrust upon me. I stared into his beautiful, separated dark eyes, and I caught flame with Love.
Oh how I burned with passion for thee, Sonic! How did you not see me suffering from the wounds of Love, bleeding for such a cause? For days I could not sleep, I could not eat, mind constantly taken with thoughts of your sweet furry face. Like tragic Queen Dido, I was consumed by the flame of desire for my lover! I craved the feeling of your solid form, and strong runner’s thighs against mine. I desired the soft caress of your sapphire pelt on my human skin, and to feel your hog’s needles against my fingertips. I wished nothing more but to be yours in marriage, and to succle at my breast your spike-backed progeny. The jewels of your family would have provided me such pleasure, and from our union what strong and swift-footed sons I could have borne! How I desired it! I dreamed of our marriage bed, of the hymns that would be sung at our union, the marriage torches carried by our mothers, and the golden rings that you accumulated adorning our future abode. Sweet Juno, protector of marriage unions, how could you not have granted me this?
Alas, such a love was not fated, for Jupiter, god above all, did taketh away my sweetheart, and replace him with another, different hog. What plan the gods did have to abuse mine heart! My darling, fur-covered, tall, and two-eyed, was taken away from me suddenly by the cruel gods and returned to me a new creature. Oh how I was robbed of my future husband, robbed of my future family when swift-footed Sonic was altered in his figure and in his countenance! His hair no longer furry and soft, his height drastically reduced, and his eyes merged into one. Like Daphne, changed before lovesick Apollo, my dearest Sonic was so changed. In seeing his new appearance, from Venus’ spell I was at once immediately released. Desire’s hold on me instantly shattered. I did not burn with Love for this new Sonic, I no longer bled from the vicious wounds of mine lust. Such a love, taken from me! I do continue mourn my marriage bed, and I mourn the union that never was. This torture, to give and take from me so quickly, must have been of divine intervention. Oh woe is me and my ill fated love for the old Sonic the Hedgehog! What a cruel trick of fate!
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The Procrastinator 