Now that the Biomedical Specialization has been abolished in a Game of Thrones-worthy coup by iBiomeds, the department is now on the search for new bells and whistles to tack onto students’ meaningless degrees.
The office shared the shortlist of new specializations being considered at an all-years meeting session on Tuesday, however The Procrastinator’s ironically hard-working reporters were the only ones in attendance. The shortlist includes “Old People Health,” a cumbersome name meant to parallel Child Health as a promotional tool to indicate how little Anatomy is in this specialization. Another proposed stream, “Mental Health,” seemed promising until it was announced that this specialization will purely consist of 16-hour body-scans, weekly ASMR recording sessions, and the mandatory coursepack of a Sonic- themed colouring book and a navy wolfpack satchel containing three (3) mushrooms.
The most controversial proposal, though, was the BHSS- and MSU sponsored “Extracurriculars Stream,” which would consist of 0 classes and allow students to dedicate 100% of their time to faking extracurriculars, instead of the mere 80% that regular BHSc students can already afford. This proposal was met with much acclaim from the sparse students in the room. They immediately began filling out extra lines of “[insert organ here] club” on their OMSAS, hoping that those extra entries would blot out the dark mark that participating in The Procrastinator has put on their records. Dissension arose, however, when one of our own yelled, “Wait, isn’t this just the same thing as Child Health?”
The reporter that spoke up was instantly dragged out by Margie’s Angels and subjected to three consecutive days of debates on how to vote and dramatic readings of self-help books. As this clockwork began to orange, Margos herself took the CNH stage to announce that this meeting was adjourned and no further changes would be made to the BHSc program.
Edited to Add: Two days after the under- attended meeting, it was revealed through an external investigation that Margos was actually the one responsible for the downfall of the other specializations—the engineers were simply too burnt out to object to being framed. After collecting all four infinity specializations, Margos was able to snap half the streams out of existence, cementing the Child Health dynasty one year after the last true, normally-sized BHSc cohort graduated. Innis Library was also implicated as collateral damage; Health Scis will no longer have this precious safe haven for hiding from other Health Scis.
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The Procrastinator 