McMaster administrators are overwhelmed with shock following the passing of Michael DeGroote: philanthropist and friend of the university. Board trustee Sally Van Der Vague expressed her sentiments in an interview on Tuesday: “Yes it’s tragic and all. I’m sure Michael was a great guy. But I’m just gonna say what we’re all really thinking; how on Earth will Health Sci pay off its Welcome Week thunderstick debt without its biggest cash cow?
The tragedy has spread rapidly throughout the student body. One student, who would prefer to remain anonymous while grieving, commented: “Ay let’s go! Thanks for your sacrifices Mikey and Lizzie. If this doesn’t give us a national holiday, I don’t know what will – mad respect for my boy Mike!”
McMaster now faces extreme budget cuts and many difficult decisions to come, which may include but are not limited to: tripling tuition, submitting an application to Queer Eye Netflix for a Fab Five makeover of the Health Sciences Lounge, and most controversially, replacing Centro employees with orphaned parrots from the Hamilton Aviary (who would, of course, be trained to slightly microwave haphazardly-portioned meals so they’re served cold, kill cockroaches for the pasta dishes, and make every meal just a little bit unique). The Faculty had originally put in an order for a statue of the late philanthropist to be inaugurated in front of MDCL, but due to the (perhaps uncoincidental?) proximity of the two events, there seems to have been a mix-up: McMaster will now be erecting a 16-ton gold encrusted statue of Queen Elizabeth II, only a mere 150 metres away from the freshly painted orange crosswalk at Sterling Street.
Cellular and Molecular Biology professor Charee has also had to reconsider retirement as McMaster spirals towards bankruptcy. Teaching assistants for the course have stated that Chari’s failure to connect the OCAT prompt “I am Groot” to a six-letter word highlighting DeGroote’s contributions to research in antibiotic resistance has only further plunged him into a state of helplessness. However, after 2379 years of employment in the Faculty of Health Sciences, he simply cannot imagine spending a summer doing crosswords alone without transferring the agony to his students. McMaster may have lost one great icon but will never lose its most iconique.
The Procrastinator 