ABSTRACT: Charee’s most confidential secret is uncovered
Background: ‘Tis the universal BHSc experience…walking into cell bio half asleep, and then simply just passing out as the half-baked sounds produced by Charee standing five feet away from the microphone do a better job of putting you to sleep than a whole jar of Nature’s Bounty melatonin gummies ever could. The sheer number of unconscious individuals in that class has gotten BHSc students wondering: why does Charee stay so far away from the microphone in the first place? Why does it seem to make his small, frail, frame quake like one’s thighs after leg day? Drawing upon our skills as professional a**holes, we tested several methods of exposure in an attempt to answer the question: does Charee actually have a fear of microphones?
Methods: Three separate microphone exposures were carried out over seven days. In Exposure 1, a mic was hung at the entrance of HSC 1A1. In Exposure 2, all students spoke with microphones in hand during the entire duration of a cell bio class. In Exposure 3, we kidnapped Charee’s dog and replaced it with a furry microphone tied to a skateboard.
Results: The number of threats to “poison everything at Williams with atropine” differed slightly across exposures (Exposure 1: F[11, 561] = 1.29, p = .224, ηp² = .03; Exposure 2: F[1, 266)] = .01, p = .940, ηp² = .000; Exposure 3: F[1, 266] = 1.40, p = .237, ηp² = .01). In Exposure 1, Charee simply never entered the class, doing a full 180 upon seeing the microphone. In Exposure 2, Charee’s soul was witnessed to have literally abandoned his body. In the cell bio class following Exposure 3, Charee essentially spent three hours calling us “mentally deranged” for thinking that a wig on a microphone looked like a dog, and that “just because it could move did not mean it could pass as a living being.”
Conclusion: So basically, we messed up. Our next OCAT will be the death of us. Charee is for sure scared of microphones though lmao.
*Ethical considerations: None. Both animals and humans were harmed. HiREB did not give consent.
The Procrastinator 