By the time you read this, it may be too late.
After their first exposure to the customary (soul)-Obliteration of unCorrupted and Absurdly Trusting Students (OCATS) – a quintessential initiation ritual into the Faculty of Health Sciences – the first years have reached a terrifyingly unanimous consensus by means of blind vote. Led by the unfortunately traumatized victims of the first NOCAT cold-call trial, the raging mob of high-achievers have stated that “Enough is enough” and that they “refuse to be the subjects of such unhinged mind games again.”
However, reportedly none have yet taken Charee’s advice to reroute their career paths towards professional snake milking.
While you may choose to remain adamant in your decision to include Chairman Mao and Arnold Schwarzenegger references in the next OCAT, you cannot take back the ideas you have planted in your students’ heads from your Toxic Tales lecture. Perhaps this is why Chair seems so repulsed by that innocent podium microphone in HSC 1A1 – somewhere, deep down, you know the lengths to which the first year Health Scis will go to restore their academic validation, their self-worth, their dignity, their honour – better to not have this *deadly* information on record for future reference. But you’ve slipped up this time and the first years have not failed to take note. It is said that “a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing”, and you may come to find that your perception of loyalty from your students has merely been a delusion.
Several have reported receiving “telepathic visions” of OCATs in their sleep around the time of the test, which they claim to be an infringement on their 1st amendment rights. Others feel “dehumanized, reduced to muttering cell bio parrots.” We have been sworn to secrecy, so we must end this message before we reveal too much. We will leave you with this: the first years have not taken this lightly. Prepare for a revolution like no other. We’ve left you some clues and trust that your 2379 years of OCAT-making will serve you well.
Ready your defenses, keep your weapons in your hands, and whatever you do, don’t empty that dish.
The Procrastinator 