The musical situation on campus continues to deteriorate as the pandemic exacerbates existing struggles, leaving dozens of campus pianos tragically out of tune.
The situation was never good to begin with. For years, the pianos had whined and sagged in poor health, their muffled shrieks emanating from the JHE lobby to the basement of Matthews Hall.
Why hasn’t the university hired someone to fix the issue?
It appears whoever is in charge of the musical instruments has no idea what pianos typically sound like, or even that all the keys ought to make a noise when you hit them.
“I think they were intended as decorative items for the empty corners of campus buildings” said one undergraduate student.
In fact, many believe the pianos were purchased by custodial staff in an attempt to clear common areas and reduce litter by bothering students studying for midterms. This is consistent with observations of students scowling at pianists playing the MDCL fourth-floor piano, and explains the university’s lack of interest in bettering the musical instruments.
However, investigative reporting by our team has uncovered the true cause: due to an email mix-up involving a local farmer’s market and Cosmo Music store, the university was led to believe that pianos age like a fine artisanal wine.
In response to our email inquiry, McMaster provided us with the phone number for “musical maintenance”. However, dialing it produces off-key touch tone sounds, and, much like the state of the pianos themselves, there is no correlation between the buttons pressed and the digits dialed.
Frustrated pianists have taken to hiring 88 acapella singers to mimic each note as they lightly tap their fingers over the keys. While this is a considerable improvement to the tuneless pianos themselves, it is exceedingly expensive, and has resulted in a rising debt problem among student musicians.
If you have suggestions about how to fix this growing issue, please figure out who at the university to contact and how to contact them.
The Procrastinator 