Resentment Grows as McMaster Students Are Once Again Denied a Snow Day

With the demand for a snow day on the rise, McMaster University has once again rejected the idea of closing campus due to inclement weather on Friday, March 10th. In an effort to uncover the truth, The Procrastinator conducted a longitudinal deep dive into the university’s decision-making process to discover what really happens behind closed doors.

Our most decorated investigative journalist, Lisa Shein, has been closely monitoring the McMaster High Council for the past two months after infiltrating the inner circle. Caught on tape during their monthly budget meeting, an unidentified councilman remarks that “there’s a snowstorm coming this Friday on the 3rd… Y’all wanna close campus or what?” In response, a councilwoman replies, “yeah sure, l got nothing to do on that day so I’m good for that.” However, during the following week, those same individuals can be heard flat-out rejecting the possibility of a campus closure on Friday, March 10th despite being aware of the incoming snowstorm, citing “research” as their deciding factor. McMaster students did not receive a snow day.

After the investigation, Lisa Shein took to the streets of campus and asked passing students for their thoughts on the investigation and snow days. One fourth year student said, “*^$&%^*$*#(@!” Another student, who happens to be in first year, had this to say: “You know, I was really, and I mean REALLY hoping for a snow day cause of my chem midterm on Friday, but they just had to hit us with the ‘campus is open’ literally right before the test.” The most vocal group by far was among the commuters, who quoted McMaster’s “incompetence” as the reason for keeping campus open. One individual reported narrowly escaping an automobile accident after her car struggled to brake on the QEW-403. 

Online, however, our senior technological correspondent u/LigmaHughJanus69 reports that students turned to a “snow deity” who would “grant them a great snowfall” on Friday. The movement temporarily gained traction on various social media platforms, but ultimately failed once the official announcement was made that campus would be open. Members of the McMaster University High Council have declined to comment following our investigation.