Reports of incoming 4th year students mysteriously disappearing at the start of the school year are perplexing fellow students, facilitators, professors, teaching assistants, administrators, & deans alike. Over 50 students have disappeared, last seen in April of 2023 writing their CRAPP exam. The problem seems to be contained within the Class of 2024 – between their 3rd and 4th years, students seem to simply vanish into thin air. Here are what some students are saying:
“I couldn’t wait to return to the school year to see all my friends again after spending my summer working in a miserable, windowless lab. But then I got to my student house and realized all my roommates had moved out.”
– lonely student who had to pick up 5 more jobs to pay his other 5 roommates’ rent
“I was scrambling to make it to the Praxis session, pushing past people so I wouldn’t be late, but when I finally burst into the lecture hall, it was empty. Only Heartly Jafeene was there… we just sat there and looked at each other for the full hour.”
– the one singular 4th year TA that the Praxis team hired
“I was so excited to join a club this year, especially because I knew this one a lot of upper year healthscis that were execs. But in the first club meeting I realized that they all resigned from their positions and now I’m the director, assistant director, promotions exec, volunteer coordinator, training coordinator, editor, personal chef, janitor, and nurse.”
– struggling first year student who doesn’t even know what a club is
Speculations have arisen that perhaps a contagious disease has taken over these students. Symptoms include adding a strange squiggly snake symbol in their Instagram bio, starting MCAT tutoring services charging $1000/hour, replacing all the clothes in their closet with white coats, and an inflated ego. In response to the situation, S. Rizzy very cryptically, but fervently, stated that BHSc is not a premed program. The Procrastinator is still trying to decipher the meaning behind the statement.
The Procrastinator 