According to all known laws of science, there is no way a bed bug should be able to suck blood. Its mouth is too small to puncture through the skin of a human. The bedbug, of course, sucks anyway. Because bed bugs don’t care what humans think is impossible.
ABBarry is a bed bug living in Thode. He is about to enter the workforce, and is optimistic about the job market and his desirability as a new college grad. However, he soon learns that whatever job he selects, he will be stuck with it forever. Fearful of choosing the wrong career and having to spend 4 years in school and 4 more years in training, he escapes Thode and ends up in the Health Science Library. Tired, he carelessly lands on the anatomy textbook of a health science student, Vanessa. One of Vanessa’s group project members squeals and tries to squash him, but Vanessa heroically saves his life. ABBarry is eternally grateful to Vanessa and breaks the sacred rule that bedbugs are not to communicate with humans. Vanessa is initially shocked, but then she notices his veiny antennae and muscular wing pad. She starts opening up to him, talking about her fears about making it into med school. ABBarry is trying to be empathetic, but he can only seem to focus on her body. The delicious throbbing from her warm veins makes him weak in the knees. The wet, juicy paper cut on her finger nearly sends him over the edge. He realizes that the only way he can have her is to get her into med school.
ABBarry becomes a lawyer and sues the OMSAS for every problem in the medical education system, and miraculously, he wins. Becoming a physician no longer has to involve joining one million extracurriculars while maintaining a perfect GPA! ABBarry excitedly goes to tell Vanessa the news, but instead finds her depressed in her room. It turns out that Vanessa had just tried to apply to med school, but the competition was still fierce, and Vanessa was just too stupid compared to everyone else. ABBarry, fearing he will never get the chance to taste her, comes up with another plan. He calls on his bed bug friends to infest every library on campus to take out the competition. The next cycle, Vanessa applies and gets in. But she decides to reject the offer, opting instead to be a stay at home mom to her and ABBarry’s kids.
The Procrastinator 