In recent space news, a second “moon” has been pulled into Earth’s orbits. The asteroid, 2024 PT5, is around the size of a bus, according to astronomical “experts”. This allegedly makes it far too small to be seen by the naked eye. This type of event is not uncommon, as astronomers are notorious pathological liars with a penchant for completely fabricating cosmic events.
For some words on the subject, we reached out to McMaster’s very own Dr. Ringo Craftycock, “Oh, yeah, we just made it up. It helps if you tell everyone it’s something they’ll never be able to see or prove, like a really tiny asteroid-moon or Neptune or something. A couple years back we started telling people the Sun would explode in 3 billion years. How the hell would I know?”. The professor claimed that the falsehoods are designed in an attempt to make people think that astronomy is a real science (more real than health sciences, at least), “There actually isn’t any space left to explore, we reached the end a while ago. All the satellite money goes towards making astrology worse so that we look more normal,” and to increase enrolment in ASTRON 1F03 beyond just people that are only taking it for a bird course.
However, some astrophysicists appear to be struggling to hold the conspiracy together. 3 days ago, Neil deGrasse Tyson put out a number of tweets that were removed in just a few minutes, “milky ways my favoirte candydbar . cnat bel9eve they;let me name the galaxy lolol,” almost immediately followed by “plutos a planet 😦 im sorry… hes jsut as much aplanet as all the othehr pllanets :(”, among various other posts, including one where he revealed that the International Astronomical Union (IAU), responsible for designating constellations and safeguarding astronomy, is “more of a book club”.
Additionally, complaints from within the duplicitous community seem to be causing a rift. A number of anonymous sources reached out to voice their complaints,
“We can name this stuff anything we want, and it’s always something dumb. What on flat Earth does 2024 PT5 mean? It’s like they did the Solar system and then gave up on cool names. How about Ted? I love that movie. Let’s name something Ted. Or Ted 2.”
“Pluto is the WORST Mickey Mouse character. Yeah, I get that Disney wanted a classic character name, but Minnie woulda been so much better. Minnie? Get it?”
“All the higher-ups are so concerned with keeping the secret, like we can’t do anything fun once in a while! I wanted to use the satellite money to rent out a timeshare in Cape Canaveral, but they used it to build a hologram projector at the space center. For what? We can’t just tell people the rockets are invisible or something? That’s what we said about Jupiter’s rings, and everyone bought it!”
The next IAU general assembly will take place in 2027, where they will discuss how to further promote the conspiracy while preserving secrecy. In the meantime, however, space news enjoyers can expect to see more tame stories as the organization lays low, such as “Dark Storm on Neptune Reverses Direction” (who cares?), or “Huygens Probe Found Dead, But We Knew That Already”.
The Procrastinator 