According to an independent report received by me in my dreams, relationship rates have dropped by 45% in the last year, with the average student now only having an average of 1 side piece, an over 50% reduction in just a short span of time. To help combat McMaster’s loneliness epidemic, the Procrastinator has generously funded this project to help you find your next love. Below are some recommendations to help you find your partner for the holiday season.
- Make sure to arrive to class extra early so you can sit in the back and stare at your crush the whole time
- When being spoken to by a member of the preferred gender, look down at your feet and mumble while briskly walking away. By playing hard to get, your crush will like you more. Trust.
- Make frequent, semi loud, grunting and throat clearing noises while maintaining intense eye contact, this will make you seem really confident and stuff
- Go on LinkedIn and obsessively search for your desired partner’s name (bonus points if you tell them about the accounts you found of them the day after!)
- Never actually talk to or speak clearly to your crush, instead, just sit there blankly. This will make you seem really really cool and mysterious, trust me
- Instead of asking out your crush, instead buy a ski mask and follow them home. You can show your crush how caring and attentive you are to them. Bonus points if you sprint while following them, encouraging them to exercise is so romantic ☺️
- If you decide to not take our advice and talk to your crush, make sure to talk about SFW, common interests. We recommend topics such as bug collecting, internet trolling, and throwing bricks onto a freeway
The Procrastinator 