Dear gentle reader,
Breaking up is not for the faint of heart. If you feel your heart is faint you have one of two options:
Either hand the responsibility off to someone else, or take my 90-day course to “Rediscover your Mental Fortitude.” This course will equip you with the tools necessary to care less and break-up with confidence.
Early bird tickets start as low as $65!
Food and board are provided.
**There will be some manual labour involved. Details will follow once you arrive. Do not be scared. 🙂
Lesson 1
The Golden Rule → Efficiency is King
We live in a world where time is money and money is money. Break-ups are no exception. Break-ups should be swift. Your time is valuable. The fact that you are even breaking up with this person demonstrates generosity. Recognize the good that you are doing and proceed with happiness
I’ve drafted a template for you readers. You may use this verbatim or simply draw inspiration from it.
Dear (name),
Our time has come to an end. I am glad. [smile with your teeth] I would say it’s a me problem, but really, it’s you. And that’s ok.
Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest.
I’m glad this could end amicably.
Be sure to provide compensation for all their ‘hard-work’ and ‘dedication’ exhibited throughout the course of the relationship. 50 cents is more than enough. If you feel that the person is worth more than 50 cents you may increase the provided amount, however, don’t feel it necessary.
After giving your break-up speech, carefully hand them a white envelope containing the sum. Hold onto their elbow for a maximum of 15 minutes. Simultaneously make eye contact and ensure your gaze is one of sympathy. Then, walk away with confidence. Add some pep in your step just to show them how happy you are with your decision. This will hopefully bring reassurance and provide support.
The Procrastinator 