Student installs MS Word on supervisor’s computer, listed as third author

The Procrastinator extends its heartiest congratulations to Bruno Singh-Patel for his recent authorship on a prestigious publication in the March 2017 issue of Nature Ornithology Reviews. “Using an evidence-based approach, I effectively and collaboratively used knowledge translation to implement a novel technology framework for our study,” reported the Health Sciences student. In addition to installing essential Microsoft Office programs, the student’s duties included serving coffee (“securing vital resources to bolster team morale and increase productivity”), filing paperwork (“spearheading an organizational system to ameliorate study design”), and restocking pipette tips (“singlehandedly increasing the power of the study”). In an exclusive interview, Singh-Patel described his impressive strategies for increasing the breadth and depth of his searches: “The key is to Google it and to click through to, like, the fourth page of results.” When questioned about ICMJE recommendations for authorship, the student admitted that his proposed criteria of “I Can Make Journals Excellent” may not exactly be evidence-informed.