Looking for new ways to capitalize on the quarantine-induced isolation, the BHSc Office has decided to launch a Twitch account, a popular live streaming service. These announcements have likely been inspired by the tumultuous and inconsistent success of online platforms hoping to have incoming students feel more included, such as the novel BendPath program introduced in the 2020-2021 school year. We expect that this investment may finally prove to be BHSc’s first successfully monetizable online project.
“We decided to host our very first stream on Valentine’s Day,” says Stacey No Name® Cheese Sandwich Cracker, “because we think it’ll be the day the largest portion of the student body will be confronted with the crippling loneliness and existential dread. I can’t think of a better way to distract students from their own mortality, existential dread, inevitable plateau, loss of youth, and the ultimate pointlessness of life! Parasocial relationships have truly been a booming business ever since quarantine began, and as a university, we really don’t have the necessary online mental health resources to really support our entire student body. So we decided that we may as well profit off of it!”
The Twitch streaming platform offers multiple tiers that will allow students to support their favorite streamers. The tier benefits are listed as follows:
- Tier 1 Subscriber: Chari sends you a validating email to combat one of your insecurities
- Tier 2 Subscriber: A BHSc-themed sticker to cover your webcam after Respondus use
- Tier 3 Subscriber: Automatic entry into the medical school lottery system
What a refreshing entrepreneurial spirit! This innovative approach to con students out of more money—aside from the usual tuition fees, of course—is expected to be picked up by universities across the country.
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The Procrastinator 