Dear “yours truly”,
What a surprise it was when I went to open this established news source one fine morning and saw a letter addressed to me. The piece certainly caught me by surprise! I appreciate the many, albeit, strange, compliments, however, I must stop you in your tracks. Although my laboratory would flourish with a mind like yours, it is unfortunately full, so I will have to respectfully deny you a spot at this moment. I don’t particularly find your transcript that impressive either. In addition, it seems you have my lab confused with that of one in the chemistry department; as per your interest in chemistry, I recommend my pal Manthony Kibba as you will certainly find moles of chemistry in his laboratory. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Kosh Joenig
The Procrastinator 